On Fear

So I’ve been failing at this whole blog thing lately.  Honestly, with the wedding coming up speeding up like a full on 10 ton freight train, Whitney Lauren creative has been creeping along at a slower pace then I would like.  Don’t get me wrong- I’ve been designing non stop, but primarily it’s stuff for our wedding.  After everything is done I will post pictures of our invites (printed by the lovely Alicia at A+P Designs….seriously, y’all- that girl is Ah-mazing!) and the rest of the little details I’ve been working on the past few months.


If I’m completely honest I’ve been having a tough week to say the least.  On Sunday I called Mr. B and had a complete meltdown…i mean huge tears, sobs, snot….the whole nine.  I don’t know why Sunday was the day, but the entire thing hit me like the aforementioned freight train.  My life is about to change in some major ways.

1) I’m moving.  Where? Not quite sure yet but its looking like an 85% chance of Southern Texas. Last summer Mr. B moved to tiny Victoria, Texas to continue his dream of being a Sports Reporter.  We had spent almost everyday of the 4 years before that together so his departure was devastating for both of us.  However in the past year we’ve grown more as a couple and in our  faith than we could have ever imagined.  After the wedding I will be joining Mr. B. wherever his career takes us….which leads us to

2) I am moving 16 hours away from my entire family and all of my friends.  To a really small town.  Where I know no one.  This has been the toughest pill to swallow.  When I moved to college I enjoyed all of the freedom of being a freshman, but the safety net of home was only 2.5 hours away. I’ve stayed in Tallahassee and although I rarely pop over to Jacksonville (every couple of months) it’s nice to go home and sit on my parent’s couch and sleep in my childhood room.  If I ever need a friend or some auntie/sister/mama advice in Tallahassee I can go hang out with Tangy at the Posh Stems office.  If I want to grab a glass of wine and dinner, there is an entire store full of sweet sisters with my Ann Taylor crew.  I’m terrified of loosing this community and support system

3) For the first time since college I won’t be working.  With the exception of a few awkward months of job searching right out of undergrad, I have consistently worked  about 65 hours a week.  Between my full time job at the Supreme Court and my part time job at Ann Taylor, I’ve managed to keep myself pretty busy. I’ve also taken pride in the fact that I’m fairly self sufficient and able to take care of myself. (Once we’re settled in I plan on building this business and really seeing how it can grow.  I’m excited and grateful for a chance to really explore this)

The realization of all of this change hit at the same moment and the impact was crippling.  Like I said- it wasnt pretty.  After getting off the phone with Mr. B. (who I think was in shock at my strong physical repulsion of all of this; but said comforting things and made soothing sounds nonetheless) I talked to a dear friend who spoke to me honestly and put somethings in perspective.

When I checked my email Monday morning I had an email from my older sister with the subject “Resignation Letter help”….how she read my mind and knew I was starting to think crazy thoughts about “long distance marriage” I will never know. Just a little nudge in the right direction. Monday I also remembered a blog Whitney English had done on Facing your Fears.  When I found the post I felt like she was talking directly to me. (as I do so often when we’re blessed with her wisddom) Better yet the blog was apart of an entire series on finding your purpose.  There were even worksheets! (I love a good worksheet) reading those posts and printing those worksheets made me feel SO MUCH BETTER about everything.  So much so that I mailed a copy of the fear, faith and dreaming big worksheets to Mr. B.  Facing the PreWedding jitters together. yup. it’s good stuff. another little nudge in the right direction.

Then on Tuesday a lady came down to the Court and I helped her and didn’t think anything of it.  Then she came back Wednesday and asked me if I was my Dad’s daughter.  (When you grow up with someone elses face attached to your body this is a fairly normal occurence) Turns out she went to law school with my Dad and remembered me from when I was a little kid.  As we chatted and caught up she RANDOMLY starts talking about Texas. No lie.  About how great it is for young couples and how affordable it is and how it’s not all super conservative.  I don’t know how she knew. yet another nudge in the right direction.

Then today, Thursday, I’m sitting at my desk emailing my best friend.  We were discussing that period when you’re a young woman and you live alone. No parents, no husband (she just got married) and how fun and good it is to have the freedom to do whatever you please.  I admitted some of my fears to her and she told me that being married is better than even the best days of being single. As we finished talking I heard a still, small voice say “There is no fear in love”.   Where had I heard that before?  A quick google search later and BOOM.

Conviction. Like none other.  1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”

I’m not saying our love is perfect. Far, far from it. But I do know everyday we strive to emmulate Christ’s perfect love in our relationship with each other and with others. There is no place for fear in that love.

I know that we’re making the right decisions for our little family.  It doesn’t take away the bittersweet moments or the hard conversations, but the fear is dissipating.  Our future is bright, dear ones.  Because the plans he has for us are far greater than we could ever imagine. So while I dont know all the answers I’m stepping out on faith that they will be revealed to me when the time is right.

Be not afraid.




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